Tag Archives: family

friends… or the people who can call you on your bullshit

lisa

Years ago a very good friend of mine committed suicide, it came as such a blow to those who loved her and had no clue she was suffering so bad. The evening after I heard the news I took a dance class and when entering the room my teacher took a look at me and came up and said “Are you ok?” I told her what had happened and she said “I’m so sorry.” I quickly replied “It’s ok.” She looked me square in the eye and said “No, it isn’t OK.”… at which point I fully broke down because it SO wasn’t ok, it’s not ok to hide your sorrow from your family and friends and admit you’re weak and struggling and for my part it wasn’t right to try to be the strong one and put on the face of someone who was ok either, because I wasn’t ok.

So often I find that we put on the face and march along like good little soldiers, we help those who ask, we help our children, we take care of our parents. The hope is that someone might look you square in the eye, like my teacher, and call bullshit. Bullshit that you are holding it all together. Someone who can see you and that (more importantly) you let see you and then letting that person bear some of the weight that you are carrying around.

Let me assure you, I am fine… no really, this isn’t a call for help. Not that things are ok… I struggle with lots of shit on a daily basis, hell I have a fourteen year old dramatic actress living under my roof who never stops practicing for her own daily soap opera… but on this grey May morning I was reminded of people who really “see” you and how important that is.

So my task, should you choose to accept it is that you find someone you love, look past their words of “ok” and call them on their bullshit, and then take them out for a cupcake.

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3:29am and taking care of this family will be the death of me

wall

So the phone rings at 3:29, in the middle of a deep sleep on a Sunday night, and you wake, struggling to get your wits, locate the noise, make it stop, realize it’s the phone, pick it up, look at the caller ID, realize it’s not a number you know, put it back down feeling like an incompetent asshole for not knowing how to mute it with out picking it up, worry about waking the kids before a school day, forcing you out of your warm bed to comfort them. It stops, you roll back over and it starts… Maybe I should have answered… what if it was something wrong with Mom, she lives in the middle of nowhere by herself, if she should get murdered how long would it take me to realize, what would happen if she had a stroke or heart attack… who would find her and how would I know, do those people know how to contact me, how would they? Her house, we’re going to be there next week on our way to vacation, I should have her write Emergency contact numbers some where obvious… Fuck… vacation and I haven’t gotten the summer stuff out of the attic yet, I wonder if Lila has sandals that fit, where will I find sandals in Vermont in February because there’s no time to order online now… does Adele even have a bathing suit that fits? Her boobs are huge now and there’s no way the bikini that she wore this summer will cover them, holy hell, she’s going to be walking around Florida with her newly powered pubescent body, shit… what if she get’s her period when we’re there? She can’t go in the pool if she won’t use a tampon… damn I’m on schedule to get my period while we’re there, that’ll be great… kinda like last time we visited Mom and I stained her white couch… who the hell buys a white couch… right older women who live alone and might just have someone call their daughter at 3:29 to let them know there mother is in the hospital… and you didn’t answer the phone because you care more about your sleep, you’re an asshole… oh great and now it’s 4 and your never going to get enough sleep to deal with getting the kids out the door without yelling, did Lila pack her lunch? damn I knew I should have made her do it after dinner now that’s another thing to do in the morning… what was that noise? It’s nothing just the wind knocking something over in the backyard… if it was someone breaking in the dog would bark, that’s the nice thing about having a dog, I feel safer in the house… wait where is the dog, usually he’s right there on the floor, maybe the person breaking into the house drugged the dog… you’re being crazy, nobody drugged the dog to break into your house… did I lock the back door? Yes, I remember tripping over the skis and coats when I checked… why the hell can’t the kids ever hang up their damn coats… oh right I have to sew a new loop in Adele’s it broke last year… oh God I totally forgot to make Lila knit this weekend and now we’re going to have to do it all this week…. teacher conferences I forgot to sign up, I wonder what times are left, probably the ones that no one can make it to like 1 in the afternoon, I have to meet with the music teacher so he can ream me out about not making Lila practice her viola but really I can’t take on another $40 a week for lessons they really should add that in when they tell you about the total cost of private school… great now it’s 4:30 and there’s no way you’re not going to be a raging bitch in the morning, stop, breathe, count backwards from 100… 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, jesus what’s that noise? Adele coughed like she’s a 70 year old smoker, I hope she’s not coming down with something, I can’t take anymore sick days, stop… must focus on sleep…100, 99, 98, 97… nope too complicated, why do people count backward? it takes too much effort, I’m getting too old, really if I don’t start exercising and loose some weight I’m going to have to start blood pressure meds and then I’m going to up all night peeing and then I’ll really loose some sleep, yeah but dieting isn’t going to work, right… if I start playing the Just Dance game for 20 minutes a day that would help… you’re never going to because you can never change your habits… maybe I’ll start running… fuck that I hate running… stop obsessing time to get some sleep, you can berate yourself in the morning… maybe if I snuggle up to Nat I can fall asleep… out