Lice… the only time I let my kids say “hate”

Fig._1._Male_of_head_louse

It’s that time of year! The notices start rolling in, lice in your kids classroom… panic and swearing ensues. Years ago when my first daughter was in Elementary school, I read the notices and judged the parents whose kids had lice… I mean wasn’t that a bug that only dirty kids got? Ummm, I learned my stupid preconceived totally classist shitty thinking was totally wrong as I saw my nightly bathed 3rd grader scratching at her head uncontrollably. She was sitting on our front step when I noticed, I sat down and casually parted her hair. I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I will never forget what I saw that afternoon. Her head was CRAWLING with lice, they scattered like roaches from my fingers… I nearly puked on her head. Then like any other rational human being I freaked the fuck out. I read everything I could, I cleaned everything in the house, I was convinced we all had it, I threw whatever chemicals on her head no matter the side effects or costs. I was like a uber clean whirling dervish. When all was said and done and I’d tortured my poor kid to death and her scalp was nearly falling off from the trauma. At one point she said “Mom I know we’re not supposed to say it but I hate lice.” I said “I think that’s totally reasonable, I hate them too. You are now allowed to say “hate” when you refer to lice.”… it was almost like a bonus to her (now at 15 she talks like a sailor and refers to her father affectionally as asshat… but you know I tried harder then).

It took me a couple years and many infestations later to treat lice like I would picking up dog poop… I’m not fond of doing it but I can still hold a conversation while it’s happening.

Through the years I’ve developed a chemical free way of dealing with lice that really depends on the nit picking part, because that’s where people get lazy and why the re-infestation really happens. I no longer even bother cleaning rooms and bagging stuffed animals and pillows. I even pick nits off other peoples children because I find it easy and it no longer phases me.

Below is my treatment method, share it with newly shattered parents and tell them to calm down, stop scratching their heads, have a drink, let your kid watch a shitty show on TV and get down to the picking…it’ll be OK.

Lice Treatment

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